*L* I just noticed that the "Chihuly Toledo!" exhibit has been extended through February 3rd since the last time I'd checked the dates. We're still going today though. I have my heart set on a trip to the museum now. :)
The challenges of the past few weeks are now history. Mia has a reservation for boarding, we're ready for our trip to Ireland, work is caught up for the first time since I took that job years ago, our sewer and water main will be replaced while we're away, and my sister and I managed to actually surprise my mom with a 60th birthday party at my house last night. Challenges are behind me, vacation is just ahead, and my house is squeaky clean. Today I finally feel like myself for the first time in many months. I can breathe ...and just sit, without guilt or anxiety or anything hanging over my head.
We're going to go to my house of worship today, the museum! There are four totally awesome exhibits there right now that I've been really wanting to see, but something has always seemed more pressing. By the time we get back from Ireland, the "Chihuly Toledo!" exhibit will have ended. As a glass artist, I -will not- miss this exhibit, so that's really the only thing on my plan for the day so far. We may or may not check out the other exhibits too. They're all free (love our museum!!!), but the other three will also be running for a bit longer, so we'll have time to catch them on future visits.
The party last night was a smashing success. My mom was genuinely surprised. :) My sister made a gorgeous and -delicious- cake. It had Baileys in it, lots of chocolate flowers and tons of buttercream frosting....unf. Everyone had a good time. Craig talked radio with the uncles. The kids were totally enchanted with the bunny, who, surprisingly, didn't seem to mind them too much. Uncle Mats thought our potrack was brilliant (thanks, Deb & Brian!) and since we still had the other one from the set in the garage, we we able to send them home with one. Everyone talked and talked and laughed and laughed. Good times.
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I don't believe in regrets. I'm so very happy with my life as it is now, with all the experiences I've had and all the fabulous people I'm privileged to have known. Every once in a while I do let a "what if" wander through my brain though. There's only really one I'm at all interested in, and sometimes I just wonder how things might be different if I'd made a different choice.
The biggest "what if" in my life to date is, "What if I'd studied art instead of engineering?" I honestly don't remember why I made the choice I did. I remember my elders and mentors praising me for even considering engineering, telling me it would provide a secure future. I know science has always excited me, and I remember being eager to learn the answers to a whole bunch of why/how questions in my studies. But I don't remember what that extra bit of motivation was that made me choose the difficult and exciting road of science over my passion, the one thing I was always thoroughly content doing, art.
I don't regret my choice, even though I hated most of my classes, quickly realized I did NOT want to work as an engineer EVER, and quit just shy of qualifying for graduation when the money and my stamina ran out. That path lead me to some of the happiest memories and opportunities of my life, and even some extremely difficult moments that are still precious to me for their lessons. It was a most excellent adventure.
But, ...what if? What if I had chosen what I knew, what I felt was me to my core? It seemed like the easy path then because I knew I loved art with every fiber of my being. Did I pass it over because it seemed too easy? Would it have been fulfilling and natural to me? Surely there would've been just as many challenges down this road. That's just how life works, right? I just couldn't see them around the corners. I didn't get that cliff-diving adrenaline rush thinking about doing what I know and love. I was probably craving the excitement of the unknown over comfortable familiarity. But what would life have been like down that path? I honestly wonder.
Yesterday, while cleaning out an old box of memories I haven't touched in ten years or more, I found a letter from an art professor at the university I attended. I would've been a junior in high school when I got this. The important part reads:
Congratulations on the acceptance of your art work in the 31st Downtown Art Exhibition.
I would be happy to meet with you and show you around the studios of the University Art Department at the Museum. [contact info]
Once again, congratulations on your success.
I don't remember this letter at all. It was already haunting my dreams last night though, just hours after finding it. I can't imagine that it wouldn't have made my heart skip a beat with excitement, that it didn't make me second guess the whole engineering thing. It chokes me up a little now. It's always been a dream of mine to make my living by making art, even when I was being romanced by science and engineering. Why didn't I at least go take a look? ...I probably didn't have any faith in my own work. I can kind of remember thinking there was no way I was talented enough to follow that path. Engineering must've seemed so much more promising. Heh. I've never worked as an engineer though, and I'm still pining for an artist's life. Live and learn.
Well, the beautiful thing about life is that it's never too late to chase your dreams. University was a grand adventure, and engineering really was a delightful bitch of a challenge. I learned so much, and made such good friends and priceless memories. Maybe everyone has to spend some time in life doing something you don't want to do, and I was lucky to get that out of the way early and move on. Now I just need to keep doing my best to forge a new path between the road I took and the one I could have taken. I will get there somehow, dragging everything I found on that first road with me.
Because I think I bought the wrong size. Or it doesn't match the rest of my decor.
This is me after a day spent in the attic. Yes, I'm wearing a bandanna, goggles, dust mask, and a head lamp. It's fricking dark up there. And eerily quiet. And full of moon dust-like insulation. And pixies. But I wasn't supposed to tell anybody about the pixies.
Oh, right, what was I doing up there? Installing ceiling fan braces. There are few home features I hate more than wobbly or rattly ceiling fans, so I believe in attaching them to serious braces fastened to the studs with heavy deck screws. Also, I love ceiling fans. I'm installing them in the bedroom, the office, the living room, and the kitchen. I'd install one in the dining room, but that just seems like overkill.
To prepare for this adventure, I loaded up my backpack with all the tools I thought I might possibly need for the adventure, including my newly purchased cordless drill. I don't own 200 feet of extension cord, so I figured that would come in handy. I should have taken snacks.
The kitchen was easy. I had to enlarge the hole in the ceiling a bit to accommodate a 4-inch electrical box, which is standard for ceiling fan braces, but the brace went in easily. From there, I crawled to the pantry, where I installed a new electrical box, and ran the wiring to the light switch. Then I schlepped over to the office, dragging all my supplies and my plywood platform with me. (Because squatting on joists for hours at a time is unpleasant, it's better to have somewhere to sit.) Once again, the hole in the ceiling had to be enlarged via drill and hand saw. Then I had to shim one end of the brace to make it level, but it went in easily enough.
After that I slithered over to the bathroom to repair a hole in the ceiling and install a new electrical box. Seeing a trend? Yes, most of the light fixtures in the house had been attached directly to the ceiling without the benefit of a box. While doing that, I realized I'd forgotten a box to install in the hallway. And it was getting dark. And the dining room light fixture opening was in the wrong place. I wasn't going to be able to get it all done in a day.
Still, I was dead-set on getting all the ceiling fan braces installed, so I persevered. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. I crept toward the bedroom, but as I felt about with my foot, digging through layers of blown insulation looking for the next ceiling joist, I found ... nothing. No joist. Not where it should have been anyway. In most modern houses, joists and studs are installed at 18-inch intervals, or sometimes 24-inch intervals. Things are slightly less predictable in old houses. I once lived in a house with 21-inch center studs and joists. How I discovered that, it's a long story.
This house, though, this house ... it mostly has 24-inch centers, except where it doesn't, namely in the bedroom and living room. There, the ceiling joists are 36 inches apart. Too far to install a ceiling fan brace. So I get to plan another day in the attic and this one will be a doozy. I'll have to drag a bunch of lumber up there and sister in some more joists, close enough together to support ceiling fans, and to provide a bit more stability in those ceilings.
Am I starting to regret buying this project house? Oddly enough, no. I'm kind of looking forward to the project. As sick as that is.
The vet appointment went well this morning. Mia ***HATES*** to travel, and she was shaking and cowering in the corner of her carrier by the time we got to her appointment, but the vet said to put her carrier on the floor and let her come out on her own, and she seemed to really dig having some place new to explore. Of course, she snorted and growled when they tried to examine her (that's my girl!), but I gave her a treat to calm her down, and then the vet tech gave her an extra treat just to spoil her ...and that calmed me down. :) Now I *know* they'll spoil her so hard while we're gone, she might not even want to come home with me. *L* Even though I told them I'd bring food and toys, they wanted to know all her favorite greens and how she likes to play, and they asked me if it was ok if they just let her have the run of the office while there's someone there. :) She's going to have a fine vacation herself while we're away and I have a lot more peace of mind about it all now.
I am so exhausted. I thought I was run down yesterday, but multiply that weariness by at least ten for today, and add physical aches and pains. I didn't get my neck rub last night, so maybe tonight. I might take some Aleve in the mean time.
We went to meet up with the local NaNo group last night, and they broke me. There were at least three loud conversations going on at that table at all times, and I couldn't follow any single one of them for more than a minute or two. It was great to see everyone, but I just didn't have the energy to keep up, and all the chatter around the table was draining me at an incredible rate. It never got to the point where I can't even make out words any more, but it was definitely headed that way. I was having a hell of a time fighting the urge to put my head down and nod off. Who knows what stupid stuff came out of my mouth. I'm too beat to even care.
Today I'm utterly useless. I keep forgetting what I'm doing. (I started this entry an hour and a half ago.) I think I'm falling asleep with my eyes open, the way I keep losing my place in everything I've tried to do. It took me two hours after coming home this afternoon to drag my ass upstairs and put on comfier clothes. I am completely wiped.
So the stress of the past few weeks is getting closer and closer to being history, now I just need some serious bounce-back time. I think I'm going to put on some quiet instrumental music, and just play in my sketchbook a while. Words are hurting my brain.
blooming outside my garage. Can you say unseasonably warm?
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I need some gum and a neck rub. My jaw is so tired and sore, my neck and shoulders so knotted, ...for days now.
I bailed on the funeral today. I'm not proud of it, but I am glad I didn't go. I got up early and got my shower and workout out of the way so I could go. I ate a high fiber cereal and some yogurt for breakfast to anchor my nervous stomach. But when it came time to put up my hair and hit the road, I totally chickened out. My stomach started rolling, my blood pressure shot up and I was shaking and dizzy. Stupid nerves. It was the usual social anxiety plus dreading driving myself to the nasty part of town where the funeral home is plus dreading being introduced to 3rd and 4th cousins, all on top of other stress I'm dealing with this week. I started feeling like I was going to throw-up and/or pass out, and I totally bailed. Instead, I put some comfy clothes back on, lit a candle for my dad's Aunt Helen, wished her well on her journey, and asked her to say hi to my Dziadzi for me. I do need to call my dad and apologize though. I hope he understands.
The plumber came by with a contract yesterday. $4800 worth of work to be done. Aieee! It's kind of working out that we're saving money actually though. We were told our water main was ready to fail at any time last year, so we've had our fingers crossed on that for a while now, knowing what a huge and expensive project it would be. Now our sewer line received the same diagnosis, with a quote of $3500'ish just for a new sewer line. So we're saving quite a bit of money by having them both replaced in only one dig-up-the-yard event. I'm trying to remind myself of that anyhow. The near $5k bill still hurts.
But, the work is scheduled for the week we'll be in Ireland after all. Both Craig and the plumber really thought that was fortunate timing. I'm a little antsy about having people in my house while we're half a world away, but the plumber is a good guy, and as long as he's over-seeing things, I can feel some peace-of-mind. ...or at least keep telling myself I do. It's not that I'm afraid of anything going missing. My house is just completely sacred space to me, and it feels very wrong to have near strangers moving through it while I'm so far away. It'll be ok though. And, we won't have to worry about coping without usable plumbing while the work is done.
As for the party planning, ...oy. Lots of little twists and turns there, but the head party-planner is a smart and sassy, dedicated woman and she's ironing out all the wrinkles one by one. I'm going to have to find some way to show my appreciation for her efforts in all of this. Right now my role is pretty straight-forward: I have location and beverages. *breathes* It's going to be ok.
Tomorrow is Mia's vet appointment. *Fingers crossed* that all goes well there and they say she's fit to board.
...One thing at a time.
...And later, batting my eyes at my husband to ask him to work out the knots in my neck.
I'm so not a multitasker. I know being able to multi-task is a badge of pride these days, but you know what? Fuck that! I can give one thing my full attention, thoroughly accomplish a task with integrity and confidence, and then move on to the next. Multitaskers are always doing just enough to get by. I wasn't designed to work that way. (Another in a long list of reasons why I've never wanted children.)
But, I digress...
Feeling the pressure today. There are too many important issues/concerns on my plate right now, and it's grinding on my nerves hard and fast.
I made the reservations for boarding Mia while we're in Ireland. I can almost check that off my list, except they want to examine her first. I don't think that'll be a problem, but I'd really rather just know that finding a plan for her can be checked off my list of worries already. I feel tons guilty enough about leaving her for a week as it is. So, Friday she has an appointment, and I have all fingers and toes crossed that my sweet (*old*) girl is deemed healthy enough to take on as a boarder, and that she likes it there.
I really need to make a packing plan for Ireland already, while I still have time to acquire any wardrobe essentials that might be needed. We're staying casual and packing carry-on only, so packing light is the name of the game. It's going to be colder and rainier this time around though, so quick-drying layers are ideal. I think I'll sit down with a cup of tea in a bit here and start working on that list, just to get it settled in my mind a little.
Oh yeah! I need to call the bank too and see how much time they need to order some Euros for me. Must have the monies before we leave!
Then there's the party planning. It's nigh impossible to say no when it's for someone you love dearly, but I have to start doing that. "No party planning ever" needs to be one of my hard and fast rules. I do not like parties. Attending them is hell enough, planning them is excrutiating! I've already committed to this one though, so I have no choice but to plow through. I'll have to get back to that today too. I put it on the back burner last week when I had other priority issues eating my time and sanity. I can't put it off forever though. It's been haunting me and I just want to be done with it!
Today's election day. We'll be going out to vote when Craig gets home. Not a big deal there. It's a simple ballot this time and I know exactly how I plan to vote. I still get performance anxiety about it though. My brain and all of it's stupid anxiety! Oh well. That'll be a non-issue by 6pm, ...sooner if I can't manage to push it out of my head, because I'll just go out on my own and get it over with for sanity's sake.
Then there's the plumbing. We're now looking at replacing both the sewer line and the water line. Both need doing, disaster is imminent in both cases otherwise. We're talking about $5k in forseeable expense. Oof. The money's not even the biggest stressor, though it certainly registers! We're also talking two, maybe three days without functional plumbing. Argh. It really needs to be done before permafrost, which means before Ireland and preferably before the party I'm hosting, ...which means work needs to start this week ideally. argh. Not much I can do about that right at this minute other than worry, and worrying gets nothing done, so for today at least, I'm going to try to just not think about it.
There'll be a funeral for one of my great aunts this week too. I can keep that bit of stress out of my head for now because details haven't been arranged yet. Hopefully it won't coincide with Mia's vet appointment or the start/progress of plumbing work, because we're down to the wire on those things which need to happen ASAFP and I don't have rescheduling options.
Ok. So if I can get at least three of those things taken care of so they're not weighing on me any more, *then* I can start thinking about the holidays. I really need to jump on that as soon as possible, because holiday stress builds exponentially for me with every passing day.
I do feel better just for having listed it all out though, honestly. All that vague pressure and sense of impending doom never looks as bad when it's organized and prioritized. It'll look even better if I can deal with some of it and just get it crossed off the list though, so I'd better get to it now.
Go forth and fill your libraries with media.
Seriously, thanks to everyone for being so amazing and patient. You are the reason I love Vox.
