*L* I just noticed that the "Chihuly Toledo!" exhibit has been extended through February 3rd since the last time I'd checked the dates. We're still going today though. I have my heart set on a trip to the museum now. :)
The challenges of the past few weeks are now history. Mia has a reservation for boarding, we're ready for our trip to Ireland, work is caught up for the first time since I took that job years ago, our sewer and water main will be replaced while we're away, and my sister and I managed to actually surprise my mom with a 60th birthday party at my house last night. Challenges are behind me, vacation is just ahead, and my house is squeaky clean. Today I finally feel like myself for the first time in many months. I can breathe ...and just sit, without guilt or anxiety or anything hanging over my head.
We're going to go to my house of worship today, the museum! There are four totally awesome exhibits there right now that I've been really wanting to see, but something has always seemed more pressing. By the time we get back from Ireland, the "Chihuly Toledo!" exhibit will have ended. As a glass artist, I -will not- miss this exhibit, so that's really the only thing on my plan for the day so far. We may or may not check out the other exhibits too. They're all free (love our museum!!!), but the other three will also be running for a bit longer, so we'll have time to catch them on future visits.
The party last night was a smashing success. My mom was genuinely surprised. :) My sister made a gorgeous and -delicious- cake. It had Baileys in it, lots of chocolate flowers and tons of buttercream frosting....unf. Everyone had a good time. Craig talked radio with the uncles. The kids were totally enchanted with the bunny, who, surprisingly, didn't seem to mind them too much. Uncle Mats thought our potrack was brilliant (thanks, Deb & Brian!) and since we still had the other one from the set in the garage, we we able to send them home with one. Everyone talked and talked and laughed and laughed. Good times.
I don't believe in regrets. I'm so very happy with my life as it is now, with all the experiences I've had and all the fabulous people I'm privileged to have known. Every once in a while I do let a "what if" wander through my brain though. There's only really one I'm at all interested in, and sometimes I just wonder how things might be different if I'd made a different choice.
The biggest "what if" in my life to date is, "What if I'd studied art instead of engineering?" I honestly don't remember why I made the choice I did. I remember my elders and mentors praising me for even considering engineering, telling me it would provide a secure future. I know science has always excited me, and I remember being eager to learn the answers to a whole bunch of why/how questions in my studies. But I don't remember what that extra bit of motivation was that made me choose the difficult and exciting road of science over my passion, the one thing I was always thoroughly content doing, art.
I don't regret my choice, even though I hated most of my classes, quickly realized I did NOT want to work as an engineer EVER, and quit just shy of qualifying for graduation when the money and my stamina ran out. That path lead me to some of the happiest memories and opportunities of my life, and even some extremely difficult moments that are still precious to me for their lessons. It was a most excellent adventure.
But, ...what if? What if I had chosen what I knew, what I felt was me to my core? It seemed like the easy path then because I knew I loved art with every fiber of my being. Did I pass it over because it seemed too easy? Would it have been fulfilling and natural to me? Surely there would've been just as many challenges down this road. That's just how life works, right? I just couldn't see them around the corners. I didn't get that cliff-diving adrenaline rush thinking about doing what I know and love. I was probably craving the excitement of the unknown over comfortable familiarity. But what would life have been like down that path? I honestly wonder.
Yesterday, while cleaning out an old box of memories I haven't touched in ten years or more, I found a letter from an art professor at the university I attended. I would've been a junior in high school when I got this. The important part reads:
Congratulations on the acceptance of your art work in the 31st Downtown Art Exhibition.
I would be happy to meet with you and show you around the studios of the University Art Department at the Museum. [contact info]
Once again, congratulations on your success.
I don't remember this letter at all. It was already haunting my dreams last night though, just hours after finding it. I can't imagine that it wouldn't have made my heart skip a beat with excitement, that it didn't make me second guess the whole engineering thing. It chokes me up a little now. It's always been a dream of mine to make my living by making art, even when I was being romanced by science and engineering. Why didn't I at least go take a look? ...I probably didn't have any faith in my own work. I can kind of remember thinking there was no way I was talented enough to follow that path. Engineering must've seemed so much more promising. Heh. I've never worked as an engineer though, and I'm still pining for an artist's life. Live and learn.
Well, the beautiful thing about life is that it's never too late to chase your dreams. University was a grand adventure, and engineering really was a delightful bitch of a challenge. I learned so much, and made such good friends and priceless memories. Maybe everyone has to spend some time in life doing something you don't want to do, and I was lucky to get that out of the way early and move on. Now I just need to keep doing my best to forge a new path between the road I took and the one I could have taken. I will get there somehow, dragging everything I found on that first road with me.
The vet appointment went well this morning. Mia ***HATES*** to travel, and she was shaking and cowering in the corner of her carrier by the time we got to her appointment, but the vet said to put her carrier on the floor and let her come out on her own, and she seemed to really dig having some place new to explore. Of course, she snorted and growled when they tried to examine her (that's my girl!), but I gave her a treat to calm her down, and then the vet tech gave her an extra treat just to spoil her ...and that calmed me down. :) Now I *know* they'll spoil her so hard while we're gone, she might not even want to come home with me. *L* Even though I told them I'd bring food and toys, they wanted to know all her favorite greens and how she likes to play, and they asked me if it was ok if they just let her have the run of the office while there's someone there. :) She's going to have a fine vacation herself while we're away and I have a lot more peace of mind about it all now.
I am so exhausted. I thought I was run down yesterday, but multiply that weariness by at least ten for today, and add physical aches and pains. I didn't get my neck rub last night, so maybe tonight. I might take some Aleve in the mean time.
We went to meet up with the local NaNo group last night, and they broke me. There were at least three loud conversations going on at that table at all times, and I couldn't follow any single one of them for more than a minute or two. It was great to see everyone, but I just didn't have the energy to keep up, and all the chatter around the table was draining me at an incredible rate. It never got to the point where I can't even make out words any more, but it was definitely headed that way. I was having a hell of a time fighting the urge to put my head down and nod off. Who knows what stupid stuff came out of my mouth. I'm too beat to even care.
Today I'm utterly useless. I keep forgetting what I'm doing. (I started this entry an hour and a half ago.) I think I'm falling asleep with my eyes open, the way I keep losing my place in everything I've tried to do. It took me two hours after coming home this afternoon to drag my ass upstairs and put on comfier clothes. I am completely wiped.
So the stress of the past few weeks is getting closer and closer to being history, now I just need some serious bounce-back time. I think I'm going to put on some quiet instrumental music, and just play in my sketchbook a while. Words are hurting my brain.
I need some gum and a neck rub. My jaw is so tired and sore, my neck and shoulders so knotted, ...for days now.
I bailed on the funeral today. I'm not proud of it, but I am glad I didn't go. I got up early and got my shower and workout out of the way so I could go. I ate a high fiber cereal and some yogurt for breakfast to anchor my nervous stomach. But when it came time to put up my hair and hit the road, I totally chickened out. My stomach started rolling, my blood pressure shot up and I was shaking and dizzy. Stupid nerves. It was the usual social anxiety plus dreading driving myself to the nasty part of town where the funeral home is plus dreading being introduced to 3rd and 4th cousins, all on top of other stress I'm dealing with this week. I started feeling like I was going to throw-up and/or pass out, and I totally bailed. Instead, I put some comfy clothes back on, lit a candle for my dad's Aunt Helen, wished her well on her journey, and asked her to say hi to my Dziadzi for me. I do need to call my dad and apologize though. I hope he understands.
The plumber came by with a contract yesterday. $4800 worth of work to be done. Aieee! It's kind of working out that we're saving money actually though. We were told our water main was ready to fail at any time last year, so we've had our fingers crossed on that for a while now, knowing what a huge and expensive project it would be. Now our sewer line received the same diagnosis, with a quote of $3500'ish just for a new sewer line. So we're saving quite a bit of money by having them both replaced in only one dig-up-the-yard event. I'm trying to remind myself of that anyhow. The near $5k bill still hurts.
But, the work is scheduled for the week we'll be in Ireland after all. Both Craig and the plumber really thought that was fortunate timing. I'm a little antsy about having people in my house while we're half a world away, but the plumber is a good guy, and as long as he's over-seeing things, I can feel some peace-of-mind. ...or at least keep telling myself I do. It's not that I'm afraid of anything going missing. My house is just completely sacred space to me, and it feels very wrong to have near strangers moving through it while I'm so far away. It'll be ok though. And, we won't have to worry about coping without usable plumbing while the work is done.
As for the party planning, ...oy. Lots of little twists and turns there, but the head party-planner is a smart and sassy, dedicated woman and she's ironing out all the wrinkles one by one. I'm going to have to find some way to show my appreciation for her efforts in all of this. Right now my role is pretty straight-forward: I have location and beverages. *breathes* It's going to be ok.
Tomorrow is Mia's vet appointment. *Fingers crossed* that all goes well there and they say she's fit to board.
...One thing at a time.
...And later, batting my eyes at my husband to ask him to work out the knots in my neck.
I'm so not a multitasker. I know being able to multi-task is a badge of pride these days, but you know what? Fuck that! I can give one thing my full attention, thoroughly accomplish a task with integrity and confidence, and then move on to the next. Multitaskers are always doing just enough to get by. I wasn't designed to work that way. (Another in a long list of reasons why I've never wanted children.)
But, I digress...
Feeling the pressure today. There are too many important issues/concerns on my plate right now, and it's grinding on my nerves hard and fast.
I made the reservations for boarding Mia while we're in Ireland. I can almost check that off my list, except they want to examine her first. I don't think that'll be a problem, but I'd really rather just know that finding a plan for her can be checked off my list of worries already. I feel tons guilty enough about leaving her for a week as it is. So, Friday she has an appointment, and I have all fingers and toes crossed that my sweet (*old*) girl is deemed healthy enough to take on as a boarder, and that she likes it there.
I really need to make a packing plan for Ireland already, while I still have time to acquire any wardrobe essentials that might be needed. We're staying casual and packing carry-on only, so packing light is the name of the game. It's going to be colder and rainier this time around though, so quick-drying layers are ideal. I think I'll sit down with a cup of tea in a bit here and start working on that list, just to get it settled in my mind a little.
Oh yeah! I need to call the bank too and see how much time they need to order some Euros for me. Must have the monies before we leave!
Then there's the party planning. It's nigh impossible to say no when it's for someone you love dearly, but I have to start doing that. "No party planning ever" needs to be one of my hard and fast rules. I do not like parties. Attending them is hell enough, planning them is excrutiating! I've already committed to this one though, so I have no choice but to plow through. I'll have to get back to that today too. I put it on the back burner last week when I had other priority issues eating my time and sanity. I can't put it off forever though. It's been haunting me and I just want to be done with it!
Today's election day. We'll be going out to vote when Craig gets home. Not a big deal there. It's a simple ballot this time and I know exactly how I plan to vote. I still get performance anxiety about it though. My brain and all of it's stupid anxiety! Oh well. That'll be a non-issue by 6pm, ...sooner if I can't manage to push it out of my head, because I'll just go out on my own and get it over with for sanity's sake.
Then there's the plumbing. We're now looking at replacing both the sewer line and the water line. Both need doing, disaster is imminent in both cases otherwise. We're talking about $5k in forseeable expense. Oof. The money's not even the biggest stressor, though it certainly registers! We're also talking two, maybe three days without functional plumbing. Argh. It really needs to be done before permafrost, which means before Ireland and preferably before the party I'm hosting, ...which means work needs to start this week ideally. argh. Not much I can do about that right at this minute other than worry, and worrying gets nothing done, so for today at least, I'm going to try to just not think about it.
There'll be a funeral for one of my great aunts this week too. I can keep that bit of stress out of my head for now because details haven't been arranged yet. Hopefully it won't coincide with Mia's vet appointment or the start/progress of plumbing work, because we're down to the wire on those things which need to happen ASAFP and I don't have rescheduling options.
Ok. So if I can get at least three of those things taken care of so they're not weighing on me any more, *then* I can start thinking about the holidays. I really need to jump on that as soon as possible, because holiday stress builds exponentially for me with every passing day.
I do feel better just for having listed it all out though, honestly. All that vague pressure and sense of impending doom never looks as bad when it's organized and prioritized. It'll look even better if I can deal with some of it and just get it crossed off the list though, so I'd better get to it now.
Rhinebeck this year nearly didn't happen, as fate seemed to indicate that I shouldn't go. First Emily was unable to come out for the trip. The boy said he would go to keep me company, and things were good again. Then it got closer to the weekend, and the weather forecast was looking worse and worse. 50% chance of precipitation. 70%? 90%?? Snow AND rain? I didn't want to drive 8 hours roundtrip in that, nor did I want to drag the boy through it - he supports my knitting habit, but I didn't want him to be miserable, and was beginning to rethink if I should even go.
I decided that by the Friday before, I needed to make my final decision. (Why yes, my initial decision was to put off making a decision.) I could still cancel the hotel room, but did I really want to give up going? While I was whining about how much I wanted to go, but how much I didn't want to drive, and how I wasn't sure if going alone would be worth it.. I realized there are bus trips from Boston! Duh! I quickly found that there were still seats open for the Sunday day trip, made my deposit, and canceled my hotel room. I was prancing around the apartment, I was so relieved.
That is.. until Friday night when I got home from work, feeling more drained than usual. I woke up Saturday to find my head filled with goo - what a lousy time to get sick! I spent my day in bed, resting and trying to stay hydrated. If I felt well enough, I would still go. After all, I'd have a few hours on the bus to relax as well.
Sunday the alarm went off at 5, and with just a little bit of a residual runny nose, I took some dayquil, grabbed my things, and went to meet the bus. The weather was somewhat atrocious, snowing on the Mass Pike, drizzling and cold when we arrived at Rhinebeck, but I had layers, and I was there!
Fast forward ahead to today, where I am home sick, and being diagnosed by the boy as having "sheep flu." Ha ha. Funny, that guy is. There is a Swatchy post to be made, but right now I feel too miserable to do it.
...and I haven't been getting enough, until last night. After weeks of inconsistant and scarce sleep, I *finally* fell asleep easily and slept all night long! I did wake up a couple of times because my chest is still rattling from that damn cold, but every time I woke up, I was able to lie back down and fall right back asleep. Ten glorious hours!!! I feel so much better! I was really getting obnoxiously twitchy and moody.
I ordered new pants yesterday, in the next size down. WOOT! That makes three pants sizes I've dropped since late July. I *just* bought new jeans about two weeks ago, and I absolutely loved the way they fit on me ...until this weekend when I started having to hike them up constantly. We went out to the park for a walk, but didn't get to walk the trail I wanted to because I was getting annoyed at having to hike my jeans up so much. I actually almost walked right out of them while I was at home cleaning the next day and had to catch them just as they were sliding off my butt. This all amuses me muchly, aside from the fact that these were the best fitting jeans I've ever owned a couple of weeks ago and I'm a little sad to see them go. I did wear a belt with them for a while yesterday, but I had too much of the waistband gathered up under the belt and that got to be uncomfortable after a short while. So, new pants on the way. At least I've been able to find jeans and pants at great sale prices. Maybe I can resell them on ebay and recoup some of my money.
I'm not doing NaNoWriMo this year. I'm not one to say "never again", but honestly, it doesn't seem likely. I like to write a lot, but there are a crazy amount of things that I like to do "a lot". It always seems to come back to "do what you love", and I've discovered that I absolutely do not love writing enough to deal with a writer's life. I did NaNo for a few years until I finally hit that 50,000 words in one month, and I really feel like I've checked that off my list of things to do. I could see trying it again if I was job-free and had absolutely nothing else planned for the month of November and nothing else at all that I wanted to do, ...which I really can't see happening. I always wish my writing friends the best of luck and fun for NaNo, but I'm pretty much out of that game now.
Found a gem of an old movie on Netflix last night: "Spider Baby". I was skeptical, but I'd seen just about everything else in the horror category, so I figured I might as well give it a try. It was delightfully twisted. I'll definitelty watch it again.
Well, enough yammering. I'd better get back to my day. It's been a superhuman effort in recent days to keep myself moving and out of that pit of despair and depression, but the sleep I got last night has helped a ton, and I'm finally feeling motivated to get some stuff done.
I'm getting really tired of so very much again. Overstimulated. I've been clenching my jaw so tight for over a week now that I have near constant headaches and jaw pain. It's time to retreat from the world again and recharge my sanity and sense of wonder. No more tv, no commercial radio, no news. No reading controversial blog posts or following links to articles that feed the flames of my misanthropy.
And even though I love my job, I'm coming up on the end of one version and ready to start the next, left with the tedium of tying up loose ends, which always makes me feel like Sisyphus.
I need some time off, from everything.
I can't afford much time off from work right now, but I'm taking the rest of today at least, and maybe some or all of tomorrow. The plan is to get myself grounded again, and then I can make up the time off, even this weekend if I have my head together by then.
I don't know that it's just my own issues that have me worn thin right now, but it feels like more, like some weird pressure or storm cloud hanging overhead. I've never much believed in that "veil is thin this time of year" stuff, but there does seem to be an abundance of weirdness. Normally the weirdness delights me. Like the feeling of a hand tucking me in at night, or the gourd I found, plucked from my own garden and left like a gift on the corner of my deck where I like to sit. Probably some squirrel leaving a lunch that he didn't like, but I find those kinds of weird things delightful all the same, especially if you entertain less "sensible" explanations. Ordinary is boring, and harmless out-of-the-ordinary things are delightful in comparison.
Last night though, some weirdness freaked my rabbit out and got her thumping the floor in warning about every ten seconds or so, for maybe twenty minutes. I had just managed to fall asleep after about an hour of meditating on boring objects like straight pins and two-by-fours, trying to get my brain to SHUT THE HELL UP! There was some commotion from downstairs that woke me, and then the thumping started. I went downstairs to check it out, but all the windows and doors seemed secure and nothing was overturned. I sat on the floor and looked under the bed where Mia was hiding. She was freaked. I sat there for a while, talking to her and trying to coax her out with treats, while she continued to beat her foot on the floor. Eventually she came out, and after a little while longer, she crept tentatively back into her room, taking a few steps with her front feet, eyes wide and ears at attention, then after a second or two, her back feet would catch up. She pause again and listen, then creep forward with her front feet again, like some gigantic, furry inchworm, I followed her ever cautious steps into the room and gave her some fresh food, told whatever scared her to knock it off, and shut off the light, ...at which point she ran back under the bed in the next room and thumped the floor again. *sigh* I went back to bed, only hearing a couple more thumps, and spent another hour trying to get back to sleep.
So there lies a lot of my problem today. My sleep was hard fought for and restless at best. My brain has been on overdrive night and day for days now, only temporarly quieted by meditation and sleep when I can get it. And then things just feel kind of off in general.
So I retreat. Self-imposed quiet time. And art. I need to channel all this overstimulation and wild energy into something, so I will draw and craft myself back to sanity. Because right now, and for the past couple of days, I'm most wanting to channel it into a fight with any and every person or thing that confronts me. And my teeth hurt.
For starters, if it's not raining, I might go sit out back and just stare at my gourd for a while, ...maybe fill the bird feeders and leave some extra seed and nuts out for whatever rodent delivered such a fine and only barely tasted offering.
Hurray! The sweater of doom is practically finished!
It needs to dry, and I need to make the Bruins logo for it.. but all the knitting and seaming is done. Seaming took forever (damn saddle shoulders), and my rough estimates for yarn requirements were very close at the end. I might have been able to knit one more round on the neckband. Maybe.
I sort of don't know what to do with myself now. I have some socks to finish, a ton of UFO's to attend to, and I need to decide on what color to use for the Wollmeise glove KAL I'll be taking part in. Here's my wee stash, with two unknown skeins still on the way (finally managed to catch an update at Claudia's site, and couldn't resist.)
I'm really not sure what color would be best to use. Arlene (far right) is begging to be a shawl of some sort. Red hot chili (far left) might be a little much for gloves. I'm leaning toward Pfauenauge, as that's the colorway I keep thinking is too pretty to put on my feet. Maybe one of the new skeins will be an obvious choice, if they arrive in time.
One last new purchase, some more seasilk, but in a 150 gram skein. Apparently I paid a bit more than regular retail with the previous skein, at $39 for 100 grams. The Loopy Ewe had some "mistake" 150 gram skeins for $42 - it seemed irresponsible NOT to buy one. =)
